I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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