accomplished twins. life is a go
Barsexuality is the new black.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
