Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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