every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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