Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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