and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
