So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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