Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
