I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
