True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
