Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
