My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
