I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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