So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
