his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
