Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
