Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
