Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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