god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
