Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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