Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
