Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
