Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
