I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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