you're like a bully in the Christmas story
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did you pee in the oven last night??
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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