just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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