Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
