I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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