she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
