oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
