You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
