last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
