I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
