The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
