I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he shaved USA in his pubs
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Drunk is not a location!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
