Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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