I love having hate sex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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