I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
