Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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