Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
