my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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