I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
