I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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