I think I died a long time ago.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
