Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
