I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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