i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
