Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
