That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
