Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
